Columnists | The Guardian\u200b<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a Saturday morning and I\u2019m walking the dog on a vast bit of scrubland. The path in front of me is parched and deserted. Up\u00a0ahead, the dog turns the corner at a patch of brambles, and I\u00a0hear the excited voices of two women. My immediate reaction is one of alarm; I whistle, but the dog doesn\u2019t reappear. The voices rise.<\/p>\n
Only when I turn the corner myself do I see that everything is fine: the dog is dashing from one woman to the other, tail wagging, and the women are both delighted. Meanwhile, their own dogs stand to one side, staring balefully at the ground, leads trailing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we know this one!\u201d says the first woman.<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t she lovely!\u201d says the second. \u201cWhat\u2019s her name again?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUm, it\u2019s Jean,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, Jean!\u201d she says. \u201cWe\u2019ve met Jean before! Haven\u2019t we, Jean?\u201d<\/p>\n
I think: I also have a name.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me give you one of these,\u201d says the first woman, handing me a bit of paper from a stack. It\u2019s advertising a\u00a0dog show, taking place on the same scrubland the next afternoon.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s for charity,\u201d says the second woman.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve got a celebrity compere,\u201d says the first, mentioning a name I\u2019ve never heard.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d I say. \u201cWell that sounds \u2026\u00a0\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway, you can register online, and Jean would be most welcome,\u201d says the second woman.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think she\u2019d do very well!\u201d says the\u00a0first.<\/p>\n
We chat for a little while longer, and then the dog and I continue on our way without seeing another soul for the rest of the walk.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was like we were being headhunted,\u201d I tell my wife later. \u201cThey\u00a0made it sound like we\u2019d clean up.\u00a0Like it was in the bag.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe is very well trained now,\u201d my wife says. The dog does have a dog school level 1 certificate, although she dropped out halfway through level 2 to pursue other interests.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s really a discipline thing,\u201d I say. \u201cIt\u2019s more like, waggiest tail, best trick \u2026\u00a0\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe does tricks,\u201d my wife says. It\u2019s\u00a0true \u2013 the middle one has taught the dog a few tricks. Unfortunately, her best trick is the one where he pretends to shoot her with a gun and she pretends to fall down dead.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe not for export, that one,\u201d I\u00a0say.<\/p>\n
That evening, I think about other dog shows we\u2019ve been to \u2013 three, possibly four. They are charming events, but with a bit of an edge. So many excited dogs in close proximity, along with children and a tense air of competition.<\/p>\n
The last time we attended one, more than 10 years ago, my wife and the old dog were beaten into second place by a\u00a0six-year-old girl, whose spaniel sat down at her command. My wife spent the rest of the weekend saying she\u2019d been robbed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat can you do?\u201d I said at the time. \u201cIt was cute.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not supposed to be about cute,\u201d she said. I didn\u2019t say: I think it is.<\/p>\n
The next morning, my wife is uncharacteristically despondent.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think I can face the dog show,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo?\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t even have teenagers to bring,\u201d she says. \u201cIf we show up, just a\u00a0dog and two old people, and start taking prizes off toddlers \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou seem very confident,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would just look so desperate,\u201d she says. \u201cLike, what am I trying to\u00a0prove?\u201d<\/p>\n
We take the dog to a different park\u00a0in the morning. In the afternoon, we avoid the scrubland until 4pm, and\u00a0even then proceed across it with\u00a0caution.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the dog thing is still going on, we\u2019ll have to turn around,\u201d I say. \u201cBecause if those two women see Jean\u00a0we\u2019ll be forcibly registered, and they\u2019ll probably rerun the whole contest for us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s nothing here,\u201d my wife says, looking over the empty expanse. \u201cAre you sure you didn\u2019t dream these\u00a0women?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI showed you the leaflet,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
Back at home, my wife explains her decision to the middle one.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s sad,\u201d she says. \u201cI remember when you were little and we went to that dog show in Wiltshire and won all those rosettes. It was all so sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t remember that,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll gone, for ever,\u201d my wife says.<\/p>\n
The middle one straightens his forefinger, cocks his thumb and pretends to shoot the dog. Charmingly, the dog drops dead.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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